Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2010

Bonded in grief, local parents find solace

When Sarah Clark of Raleigh lights a candle Friday in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, she'll be thinking about the two babies she lost through miscarriages.

She'll join other families who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss during a gathering at Journey Church in Raleigh to honor and remember those babies.

"It is meaningful to have something that recognizes your baby," said Clark, 33, who also attended the event last year. "The person existed and still exists in your heart."

When Katy Moyer's son, Robert, was a stillborn on Aug. 21, 2008, she began looking for resources to help her cope with her loss and connect with other people who had experienced similar losses.

"It gave me a lot of comfort to find that there was an actual day that recognized my loss and hoped that there was an event for this day in Raleigh," said Moyer, also of Raleigh.

When she realized there was not an event on Oct. 15 in Raleigh, Moyer began organizing one and held the first event last year.

"I wanted to do something that honors these babies' lives and creates meaning for their lives, no matter how short," she said.

At this year's Raleigh ceremony, there will be music, speakers and an opportunity for families to share their stories. During the candle lighting, the names of babies being remembered will be read aloud.

"There is an unspoken understanding that we are all here for the same reason," Moyer said. "It is devastating, no matter how far along you were in your pregnancy or how old your child was."

Moyer encourages families to preregister online for the event and baby name reading by today, but walk-in registrations also will be available.

"For some people coming to this event ... it might be the only way that their child is ever recognized," Moyer said.

At last year's event, Clark found it helpful to meet and connect with other families.

"It was nice to be with people who understood. ... People don't often talk about miscarriages and infant loss," Clark said.

She said many people try to be supportive, but she found that when people told her that miscarriage was "for the best" or "common," it hurt. Clark suggests that people simply tell others who have suffered a loss that they are sorry for their loss.

Moyer also hopes the event brings comfort and hope to others. Though she thinks of her son every day, she has found that life has gone on and happy things have happened.

"When you are going through it, you are so entrenched in grief," she said. "I want to impart that it is going to get better, and it is not always going to hurt as much."